Dave: Face your fear
by xAnotherSongThatWeGrewUpOn
Summary: Dave finally gathers up the courage to look at Jade's last Pesterchum messages to him, which she sent before she died. Rated T for Dave's language.


There's always something that distracts him as the familiar green text pops up on his screen, alerting him of the new message that's been there for so long.

It seems that now, he can't avoid it like before. The clasp on his heart is allowing him a shred of courage, encouraging his pale hand to slowly glide towards the wireless mouse on the desk.

An eternity of loud heartbeats later, the device is enclosed in his palm. He counts the seconds it takes for him to move the cursor and click on Pesterchum.

There's that bright green text. Those innocent letters that could mean nothing to anybody that read them. Anybody but him and a few others whose names escape him, because right now the words _she _typed are sending five thousand alerts to his brain - **DANGER, DANGER, DON'T READ THEM.**

His fucking shades are in the way and he rips them off in silence. They land somewhere across the room, but he couldn't care less because these are _her words._

He swallows something that tastes like blood and decides that it's now or never.

**gardenGnostic [GG]** began pestering **turntechGodhead [TG]**

**GG: hey dave!**

**GG: i honestly dont know when youll get these messages, but i figure itss worth sending them, right? :)**

**GG: ahem! well first of all i just really wanted to thank you**

**GG: this game has been soooo hard on all of us, and i know for you its probably no different**

**GG: even though you may act really cool and stoic about it, its okay to be sad.**

**GG: its okay to cry, dave. and to be scared.**

**GG: because im really scared. im scared that we wont make it out alive**

**GG: that i wont be able to see you or rose or john again :(**

**GG: thats why i want to do anything i can to help you guys.**

**GG: youre my best friends in the whole world!**

He fights back that smile because this isn't the right time, it's never the right time to smile without her. It just burns his skin like poison.

His lips give an involuntary twitch and he nearly crushes his fingers in a tight grip, continuing to scan the bright green words.

**GG: these are just in case…um**

**GG: just in case. i dont know what will happen to me or you, or anyone really**

**GG: so i just felt like i should try to get in contact with you somehow, even if you dont get to read these until way later.**

**GG: dave, im glad that i met you.**

**GG: im glad that all this time youve accepted me! ive never been to school before but im sure thats kind of what school is like, right?**

**GG: im glad that talking to you, ive never had to hide anything….except maybe my weird dreams but hehe**

**GG: youre the coolest dude i know, and i wouldnt change you at all** **:)**

"Stop it," he hears himself whisper, and he knows why but some part of him can't figure it out so he ignores himself, ignores this sharp pain cutting through him.

It's not too much yet. Just enough to ache.

"Damn it, Harley."

The green letters seem blurry.

**GG: ive been going on for a while now, huh?**

**GG: hehe well, i hope that whenever you read this i dont bore you to death**

**GG: ive been saving the most important thing for last, so stay with me!**

**GG: im not quite sure how to say this, though…**

**GG: even though you arent right here, i guess its just still hard typing it out**

**GG: like theres still a part of me saying that wherever you are, youll laugh because its just stupid and i shouldnt even be saying this!**

**GG: now or never, though.**

His throat feels so, so tight and he just isn't able to breathe; that stupid thing inside his chest is in so much pain, and his lungs aren't working right.

"Don't you fucking dare," he mutters, fingers that were steady before now trembling as he scrolls down. "I swear to mother loving fuck, Harley… If you say what I think you will…"

He can almost picture the bucktoothed smile on her face.

He never cared that her teeth were like that. He never noticed, really. Her smile and those curious eyes were all that he'd noticed.

**GG: dave strider…**

**GG: i, um…**

**GG: my feelings for you are a little dumb**

**GG: but here they are, ok? dont laugh!**

Something wet is obstructing his vision and he nearly slaps his eye sockets.

**GG: i love you, dave.**

**GG: im probably too young to understand this and all**

**GG: but i dont really care because if you can feel love, what else is there to explain, really?**

**GG: wow, im really embarrassed right now…**

**GG: if john sees this im in trouble! hehe**

**GG: so um... thank you, if youre still reading**

**GG: and i am looking forward to seeing you again!**

**GG: just dont act all awkward around me when we meet in person :l**

**GG: oh, john says its his turn to use the computer so i have to go**

**GG: i cant think of anything cool or dramatic to say right now but...**

**GG: bye, dave 3**

**GG: thank you for making me feel...beautiful :D**

******gardenGnostic [GG]** ceased pestering**turntechGodhead [TG]**

No. Fuck _no_-

He hears someone in the room that can't be him, and they're whimpering pitifully.

He clamps a hand over his mouth and finds his eyes on those words so many times.

**_i love you, dave._**

_You can't, _he screams at her. He's been screaming in his dreams for so long.

"Jade fucking Harley."

There's so much thickness in his voice that he cuts himself off right then. It's hard to talk through his tears but he doesn't give up just yet.

"You've got to be kidding me… You can't love me. You're _gone."_

Her smile is nearly faded from his mind but he still clings to the memories, storming away from his computer and spewing curses with every step, kicking and punching until he feels bruises in his eyes.

There are a lot of tears.

**_its okay to cry, dave._**

All he manage is a counter in his head - he's yelling and he could swear that he's slowly becoming The Hulk instead of Dave Strider. There's so much _something_ inside of him that he just wants to hit. To kill. To do something.

He finds himself at the window all of a sudden and thank fuck it's open, because he didn't feel like the effort was needed to stick his head out and scream.

"_WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO AND FUCKING DIE?! HUH? TELL ME THAT, HARLEY! DON'T TELL ME YOU FUCKING LOVE ME BECAUSE NOW IT'S TOO LATE! IT'S TOO LATE!"_

He doesn't want to see it rain in his eyes so he closes them tightly, sobbing into his own hand.

"Damn it, damn it, damn it, _damn it,_" he chokes out, reaching for some hand that doesn't exist anymore. He feels like he'll collapse and he wants to sleep so badly.

"Why, Jade?" He hates hearing himself raw like this. Like waking up from a nightmare and hearing yourself cry. "Why the fuck…couldn't I save you, huh?"

He stumbles over to find his shades, and by now his reflection must be pale and sickly because he just can't stop crying. His heart is less than empty and it _hurts._

It hurts to love and be loved in return.

She's been dead for so long.

It takes him a few minutes before he can finally wipe all of those burning tears away, compose himself. He can't look at the wall because he knows what words are there, in permanent ink.

He tries not to sleep nowadays, because when he wakes up he knows what will be on the wall.

**i need you**

**dead**

**useless fuckhead**

**can't breathe**

**let me save you**

**harley**

**jade**

One day he'll run out of room and he knows it.

Dave looks at the marker on the bed, ignoring his hideous excuse for a made bed and he uncaps it, staring hard at the darkness - the ugly, hideous, painful black.

He walks over to the head of his bed and finds an open space that he approves of, lifting the tip of the marker and writing and it occurs to him that this is the first time he's written on his wall while being awake.

_I love you too, Harley._

And then he heads back over to his laptop, and types the same response to her endless stream of green text, knowing she'll never see it.

Somehow it feels okay to read those words aloud. He sits back afterwards and allows something of a chuckle to rack his shoulders, before leaning his head back to gaze up at the ceiling, eyes unfocused.

"You heard it right. Don't you fucking laugh at me, Harley…"

* * *

Okay, so this is my first time writing DaveJade or any Homestuck and I'm sorry that this sucks btynfdvss

Just think of it as...a warm-up? ; v ;

I like writing sad things so I'm sorry

and I'm sorry that it's not great and that Jade's dead

I'm just incredibly sorry D;


End file.
